My way back…

I’ve been thinking about my way back, but finally, I realize, or more precisely I should say I admit, that there is no way back, and there never has been. I just cannot imagine being back, pretending nothing happened. Unless you tell everything, and count on other people’s mercy.

It’s actually nothing new, not to me, and not to you. We’ve known this from the first night, but we’ve both been denying it. I deny because I am scared. No matter how independent I am, I need to know that there is somebody who is always there for me, who makes me feel warm and secure, who is always willing to feed me, without being fed up by me… You deny because you don’t want to take the responsibility, for my future. It is easy and comfortable to say that it is between me and somebody else, but has nothing to do with you. You are correct, it is a decision that I need to make, but how can it be that easy for you to walk away without looking at me struggling there desperately?

After I came back last week, she asked me what happened, and then asked me whether you had promised me a good future. She’s always been the most practical girl and there is nothing wrong about it. However, the only thing I could do was shaking my head at the other end of the phone and feeling the tears going down my cheek. I’ve been waiting the whole week for you to say something to me. I wasn’t expecting a promise or anything like that, I just wanted you to say that you understand my pain and you care, and give me some strength to face the difficult life that is waiting for me. But I guess I am disappointed again. And I guess I’ll have to accept it. There is nothing to regret though – I once stapled the little note on my desk, I once decided to do whatever it takes, I once put my heart, my love, my happiness in somebody’s hands; but the hands dropped… 愿赌服输 – it’s that simple.

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